On getting too comfortable

A lot of young parents work in my office. I was talking with one new dad, who I’d say is in his mid-30s, about how sometimes it can be hard to do something life-changing like having a kid when you’re older and more accustomed to your life the way it is.

That got me thinking about my friends in their 20s. For the most part we’re not at the marriage-and-babies phase yet, but the single ones are looking for relationships. As someone who has spent a fair amount of time being single (I’ve never been the serial monogamist), I have to say that when you do meet someone with potential, it’s an adjustment to fit them into your life without leaving your friends feeling neglected. Dating (even casually) is time consuming. You get used to your single routine — gym, dinner with friends, TV shows you watch regularly, happy hours. Suddenly there’s a person you hang out with two or three times a week, someone who gets dibs on at least one of your weekend nights, and the routine goes out the window. It’s what you’ve wanted for a long time, and it’s great, but it’s still a change.

I’ve heard friends say that they want someone who fits into their life, that they aren’t going to chase, that they aren’t going to change for anyone. The thing is, you pretty much have no choice but to change. When you add a boyfriend or girlfriend to your plate, something has to give if it’s going to work. You’re not the only one changing your schedule around, they are too!

I’m a list-maker and calendar-keeper, and I find that helps me juggle my social calendar as best as possible. And I try not to let my schedule get so fixed in place that I can’t make room for a guy. When a guy calls you to make plans and is greeted with a laundry list of all the hobbies you have to pass the time (“Mondays is my knitting class! And on Tuesdays and Thursdays I have yoga! And drinks with the girls on Friday!…Can you do three Wednesdays from now?”), they’ll stop trying and go find some girl who can schedule a date within the week.

Sense of entitlement holding you back?

In one day, I came upon two different blog postings about the same thing: Women who develop a sense of entitlement when it comes to what kind of man they want and think they deserve.

• Here’s the first, by Moxie (interesting blog if you’ve never read it) — memorable quote: “We assume that we bring XYZ to the table and therefore deserve XYZ+ in return.”
• And the second, from Why There Are No Girls in San Francisco: “For reasons that do not require much analysis the more educated and moneyed a girl gets – the more access or at least exposure she has to life’s myriad and multitudinous possibilities – the more likely she is to want Everything, in all its forms, together at once, and the more she demands that the world bend to her will.”

We tend to describe ourselves in list form. We’re smart, funny, pretty, kind, hard-working (if you’ve ever read cliche online dating profiles, you see a lot of this). We want a man who conforms to a list as well: educated, tall, good-looking, funny, charming, sensitive, etc. We want, we want, we want. But realistically, what’s out there? I’m not saying what’s out there is crap, far from it. But how many people can really fulfill every qualification you have? And take a good look at yourself: Can you really fulfill a long must-have list, too? Check out the above links. Food for thought.

Dating someone geographically undesirable? Suffer no more!

The New York Times ran an article in their real estate section about New York couples who, though they both live within the five boroughs, have a very long trip on the subway (sometimes multiple subways, with a leg on a bus as well) to see each other. It’s like a long distance relationship! In any large city where a decent proportion of the population lives without cars, you’re going to find yourself staying within the confines of a two-mile radius from your apartment. I know this because I have lived in two different large cities with good public transit, and I’ve never owned a car. Most of my good friends live within blocks of me. Unlike many people I know, I get out more because I do a reverse commute to the suburbs. Many of my friends refuse to date anyone outside of very specific geographic boundaries! And single friends who move waaay out into the suburbs have to defend their decisions to those who think they’re committing social suicide. Readers, what are your limits when it comes to how far you’ll travel to date someone?

So, what’s a person to do when it takes an hour to get home from your S.O.’s neighborhood? Today I came upon the perfect solution: the Walk of Shame Kit. (Or I guess you could just meet in the middle.) Either way, the Walk of Shame Kit would make a hilarious gift for your female friends who pick up guys in every bar. We all know someone like that.

Really, I just wanted to work the kit into a blog posting.

Not all men are pigs.

I came upon this blog entry about the blogger’s experience at a grocery store, where one female cashier felt it okay to tell another female cashier, loudly and in front of customers, that all men are pigs.

I’ve written before about the bitter single woman. I hate, hate, hate male-bashing. Really! Listen, I’ve dated losers who dumped me by email, did the fade out, or stood me up to watch a baseball game. I’ve gone through excessively long dating droughts. I’ve watched many female friends — intelligent and beautiful and great catches — get their hearts stomped on by unfeeling guys. And you know what? I still love men! They’re cute and tall and somewhat awkward when girls confuse them, and they get that ruggedly handsome 5 o’clock shadow. They can fix broken household appliances. They’ll go out of their way to walk you home at night so you’ll be safe.

Ladies, there is much to love about men. I get that you’ve been hurt, but it’s counterproductive to blame an entire gender for the bad behavior of a small minority. Dating is a journey, and you make mistakes along the way. Haven’t you ever had to cruelly break up with someone? Haven’t you ever avoided a guy’s phone calls and texts so you wouldn’t have to go out with him again? Or maybe you’ve done worse — cheated on a boyfriend, or left him for his best friend. Women are just as guilty! And yes, many men will say that all women are crazy (I hate that too!), but they’re still chasing after us.

Approach dating with a crappy attitude, and you’ll get crappy results. Treat men with respect, and assume their intentions are good. If you’re bitter and angry and have an emotional wall of man-hatred built up, men will catch on. And you’ll be the crazy one they tell their friends about. You want that to happen?

I hope baseball keeps you warm at night

Some time ago, I was cockblocked by a baseball game. Seriously. I was supposed to go out with this guy, who, when trying to pick a night, rattled off which nights might be booked based on when his favorite team was playing and whether or not they were likely to win the night before. Strike one.

We agreed on a night, and my calendar became booked with other things in the days after. He tried to reschedule the day before the date, and I was unable to but was fine with pushing back an hour. I show up at the new time, I get a call. He’s stuck watching the last inning, can I wait a bit or reschedule? Strike two.

Unlike baseball, I wasn’t feeling too generous and never game him the third strike. “Listen, I can’t plan my life around the game schedule of a baseball team,” I said. “I’m going home. Priorities, man!” He emailed the next day to apologize, but by then I was done. Now, I get that sports (or other hobbies) might be very important to a person. But, if you’re looking for your future girlfriend or boyfriend, that takes time and effort. That first impression is key. You don’t want a girl thinking that if she marries you, you’ll skip out on the birth of your first child to watch the baseball game. When your whole life revolves around one thing, I get a little put off. We all have many things on our plate — family, friends, dating, work, hobbies, errands. If you ignore any one of those things for long enough, the results will be unpleasant.

The takeaway? Keep a calendar, don’t double-book, and when you barely know a person, don’t tell them why you’re busy. Just say which days you’re free and leave it at that. I could have been that guy’s next girlfriend, but he had to watch the game. Priorities, man!

(I called my brother to get a guy’s opinion, just to make sure I wasn’t being unreasonable. His reply: “Is that guy fucking crazy?”)

Don’t be this Guy/Girl: The one who rubs their relationship in your business on Facebook

…because I will laugh so hard when you go back to being single. And it will feel good. Bwahahaha!

A girl I went to school with years ago friended me awhile back. For about four months, she had all of these status updates about how her life was now complete (Really! Complete!) because she’d met her boyfriend. He constantly wrote on her wall to say dumb shit like, “I love you, baby, you’re so great” (Gag! Isn’t that what e-mail is for?). There were photos posted constantly of the two of them out to dinner with her family. Friends wrote on her wall to express joy about what a great relationship she was in.

And then? Back to single. All photos of the guy erased. All his wall messages deleted. Listen, I’m cool with people listing themselves as in a relationship or engaged or married (all the better to stalk you with with, my dear). Part of the joy of Facebook is finding out what your old friends are up to. But for the love of all that is holy, I hate when people spew all of that sappy “I am so in LOVE and my boyfriend/girlfriend is the BEST EVER and I never knew TRUE JOY until I met them and now my life has REALLY BEGUN!” bullshit all over their Facebook pages. I’m talking about people in their mid- to late-20s, not 14-year-olds. Pathetic.

Does this post make me sound bitter? I’m not. I just don’t like when people think the only thing they have going for them is the fact that they’re dating someone. Come on, you’re so much more interesting than that! They are so many private ways in which you can communicate your slobbery love (give them a phone call!). Why does the whole world need to see it? I get the whole shout-it-from-the-rooftops thing, but…yeah. Am I alone in this? Thoughts?

You’re single, they’re single! Good enough, right?

L shared with me a valid pet peeve: Sometimes, people in relationships, when attempting to set up single friends, seem to think that all pairs of single people will hit it off. That’s sort of like the assumption that all gays like each other. Not true!

When setting friends up, keep in mind the personalities of your friends. Think about whether or not they’d make a good pair. Then introduce them! Just throwing two single people together can be a recipe for awkwardness. Now, if you’re throwing a party and you’ve invited a bunch of single people and phone numbers get exchanged, awesome! But for actual set-ups (going on a double date with them, or getting them to go on a blind date), think it through.

Latest Google searches that lead people to my blog

“solid shirt white cuffs douchebag”

They must’ve been looking for this:

Dating online? How to increase your odds of people responding to your emails

Check it out.

Not surprisingly, good grammar and spelling will take you far. Few people would want to go out with someone who types “wats up.” This isn’t middle school.

The confidence to break up

No matter how necessary it might be, no one likes to break up with another person. Even if you just about hate them now, you feel a sense of obligation. At some point, you liked this person, maybe even loved them, so hurting them isn’t going to be easy. I’ve had a few conversations with friends who’ve recently been through breakups and are in varying stages of getting over it, and I’ve realized that breaking up with someone doesn’t just take courage. It takes a tremendous amount of self-confidence.

Here’s why:

1. It takes confidence to be selfish. Dumping someone is a selfish act. Haven’t you ever been on the receiving end of the “How could you be so selfish?!” line? Yeah, thought so. But being selfish is a necessary part of life. It’s self-preservation. It allows you to take care of yourself so you can better take care of others. Often one gets roped into remaining friends with an ex out of guilt, but a confident person realizes that this would not be a true friendship, so out of self-preservation (no offense to the other person), they cut ties completely in order to properly get over the relationship and move on. Being selfish can be damn smart.

2. It takes confidence to think you can do better. When you realize what a catch you are, and how you deserve a great relationship, and how the person you’re with is not the last datable person on Earth, you gain the ability to let go of a relationship that’s no longer serving your needs.

3. It takes confidence to think you’re better off single and alone than paired up in a cruddy relationship. Really, people put up with a lot of crap so they won’t be lonely. A confident person is okay with going through a period of being single and will enjoy that stage of life (or whatever stage they happen to be in). A person lacking confidence will assume a relationship will help fill some void. It won’t. You will always have that void and even with a relationship, you’ll go on trying to find other things to fill it.

So, there you have it. If you’re contemplating breaking up with your S.O., or you’ve just been through a breakup and the ex is playing the we-can-be-friends-so-I-can-secretly-try-to-get-you-back card, put yourself first. Get this person out of your life. It’s hard to do, but it gets easier as you begin to realize how much you’re really worth.