When women forget who they are

I got my first question from a reader! This one comes from Kristin, who wants to know why otherwise great women change their personalities for lesser men. I picked out the meat of her e-mail for clarity:

…It seems like a lot of really smart, independent women I know end up changing (like, in a bad way) after they start dating not-so-great guys. This is a general observation, certainly there are exceptions where these types of women do end up with guys who appreciate them. But, more often than not, it seems like women are very willing to sacrifice a part of themselves to be in a relationship…

…Also, and this is another general observation, but it seems like a lot of qualities women sacrifice for relationships are also the same qualities that are empowering: being outspoken, formulating independent opinions, speaking up for their beliefs, etc. Why is it that these characteristics in particular seem to be the first to go??

I’ll attempt to answer this by breaking down Kristin’s points into the individual issues. Now, I’m going to talk about women changing themselves because that’s the question, but rest assured that I’ve seen several men turn into complete doormats to hold onto their bitchy and manipulative girlfriends. My answers can also be applied to them if you swap some of the pronouns.

But, more often than not, it seems like women are very willing to sacrifice a part of themselves to be in a relationship.

A woman can be intelligent, educated and gainfully employed and still have no clue about relationships. The hypothetical lady in question looks great on paper, but she has yet to reach the level of emotional maturity and self-assurance one needs to recognize when a guy isn’t good enough for her. When you’re in a long-term relationship, yes, compromises must be made (after all, you’re a “we” and not a “me”). In theory, though, your boyfriend fell in love with you for who you are, so you can stay that way and still keep the relationship. The problem is, some women don’t know that, hence the sacrificing of a part of themselves. And now to another issue:

…but it seems like a lot of qualities women sacrifice for relationships are also the same qualities that are empowering: being outspoken, formulating independent opinions, speaking up for their beliefs, etc.

So we’ve already established that women sacrifice parts of themselves to remain in relationships with losers. Losers are often guys who don’t really like their women outspoken and independent. Case closed.

Actually, it’s not that simple. When someone you know becomes half of a couple, they change, which is usually not a bad thing (especially if they’re dating someone really awesome). Now, if they’re unable to unlatch themselves from the boyfriend for an occasional girls’ night out, or every sentence starts with “my boyfriend” instead of “I just finished this great book”, they need a bit of a talking to. Also, if you notice the following
1. they start dressing very differently (like, they used to show a bit of cleavage and now they cover everything and there’s no religious basis for it)
2. they need to check in with the boyfriend forty times a night, and if you tell them they don’t have to, they look scared and call anyway
3. they seem to shut themselves off from the world and you never see or hear from them
your friend might be dating someone who will soon become abusive, so help them get the hell out.

Let’s assume, though, that a woman is not dating an abusive guy, she’s just dating some creepy dude who’s way beneath her, and she doesn’t realize how much she’s watered herself down just so she can say she has a boyfriend. Again, this is her fault. Creepy Dude will always be creepy because it’s working for him. That she doesn’t know she can do better is her problem. That she holds onto him because she’s afraid of being single is her problem. That she feels as though she needs to turn into a shell of her former self to keep a man is her problem.

Again, this is a matter of the woman figuring herself out before getting into another doomed relationship. Why does she pick men who don’t encourage her to be herself? Why does she feel as though she can no longer have independent opinions once she is dating someone? These are issues that run deep, and they won’t be solved by hopping from one bad relationship to another.

Kristin said herself that

… certainly there are exceptions where these types of women do end up with guys who appreciate them.

Yes. These people get it. Smart, wonderful women do not change for ALL men. They change for BAD men.