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Archive for April, 2009

WordPress tells me what Google searches people conduct that lead them here. I’ve seen some good ones (“men on crazy bitch relationship”, along with a few about braless jogging and Patti Stanger’s boobs), but ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner:

“mistress explosive bowel movement”

There are no words.

On a different topic entirely, I had a conversation awhile back with L about being happy for your friends who are having good luck with love or their career or their financial situation or whatever, and also not feeling guilty about having good luck when someone you know isn’t. Good and bad stuff can come in waves, and sometimes you’ll have a job and money, but no love. Or love, but a crappy job and some debt. Other times, everything will be awesome in your corner, but your friend will have gotten laid off and dumped on the same day.

Sympathize, but don’t take on their burdens so much that you can’t enjoy the happiness that comes with your own success. You worked for it, you deserve it! Don’t rub it in their face, but just be there for them, and know that while they’re probably happy for you, now’s not the best time for you to gush to them.

L experienced an interesting situation. She’s single, but is anticipating an awesome summer off before grad school and has money saved up to travel. Her friend A lost her job a few months ago and doesn’t have much money for extras right now, but she has a loving boyfriend. They talked it out, and it turns out that L felt guilty about discussing her vacation plans, while A felt guilty talking about the boyfriend. You might never have it all at once, but L and A learned that not only do they have things to be thankful for, but they’re good enough friends to be happy for each other.

My point is that real friends don’t drag you down. They don’t make you feel guilty for being who you are and for getting the good stuff you deserve. They cheer you on when you succeed and pick you up when you fail. If you ever have a friend who holds you back because they’re insecure, that isn’t a friend. Ditto for boyfriends or girlfriends who hold you back. Clear your life of naysayers!

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iVillage’s Guy decoder, courtesy of L

9 things Maxim taught me about women. Not me, of course. I already know everything there is to know about women.

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I think I’m going to amass an embarrassing collection of dating advice books if I keep these reviews up. I’m like Bridget Jones, only not a fictional overweight British smoker. I see it this way: When I meet the right guy, I can do a ritual book burning. Or at least donate them to a library. Under the pretense of “research,” I shamelessly buy these things. It’s like how you “generously” offer to take your nieces or young cousins to the Hannah Montana movie, but really you just want to see it but you won’t admit it. I have not done this. For real.

Really.

Anyway, the author, Rachel Greenwald, has an MBA from Harvard, so she used her data-compiling skills to conduct exit interviews with guys who went out on one date with a woman and then never called her back (a project that took ten years!). What she found out was astounding: The vast majority of women incorrectly guess why a man didn’t call them for a second date. The woman might think that the man isn’t ready to date after a recent breakup, for example, when he actually is ready to date, but just didn’t like that she was rude to the waiter.

Greenwald describes in detail the top ten personality types that became apparent during her interviews, from bitches and spoiled rich girls, to bossy business-types and women who talk way too much about their exes. You’d be surprised how subtle some things are that would scare men away.

Here, I think, is the main takeaway: When you’re going out on a first date, the purpose isn’t to find The One and latch onto him immediately. The purpose is to determine whether or not you want to go out with him a second time. That’s it! So take the pressure off. You don’t need to water your personality down, but know that the better a man knows you and the more he develops strong feelings for you, the more likely he is to overlook the fact that you’re a bit boring, or argumentative, or spoiled, or that your biological clock ticks so loudly that your neighbors haven’t slept in three years. If you’re a relative stranger to him and you lay all your cards out on the table, you might scare him off, because he hasn’t gotten to know how great you really are yet. So present the best impression of yourself. And don’t EVER be rude to waiters!

Listen, men don’t have all the control. She also includes reasons from women about why they refused a second date. We don’t like when a man makes lewd sexual comments, or when they’re totally full of themselves, or when they act like pouty puppy dogs. Basically, this book lists, in detail, all of the things you can unconsciously do to screw yourselves over on a first date. Nervous yet?

Here’s how you’ll get something out of this book: Be open-minded. If you read this and get defensive, you’re not ready for this kind of advice. If you’re open to changing, you’ll see yourself in some of these personality types. You’ll think back to past dates and cringe. And hopefully, you’ll improve, and first dates will turn into second and third dates.

Warning: You also might become more judgemental about the guys you go on dates with! I’ve found myself carefully scrutinizing a date’s actions. But at the same time, I’ve relaxed a bit about first dates. You don’t go out once and get married. Let the idea of this person wash over you. Go out, laugh, have fun, and don’t put too much weight on it. If you aren’t so stressed out, you’ll probably come across a lot better.

I recommend this book. But only if you’re ready for it! If not, wait two years and THEN buy it.

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Here’s a wonderful site that compiles hilarious, sappy Facebook status updates written by people who have nothing better to do than reinforce their love for their significant other publicly: http://stfumarrieds.tumblr.com/

And the companion site, for parents who like to chronicle the lives of their offspring, from the ultrasounds to their first explosive bowel movement: http://stfuparents.tumblr.com/

On behalf of humanity, I ask you to stop the madness!

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The thing about giving dating advice is this: This simpler, the better. If he didn’t call, he’s not interested. If you’re staring at each other from across the room at a party, you should walk over and talk already. If you’re going for a jog, wear a bra. Okay, that last one wasn’t dating advice, but you tell me how sexy you’d feel if you had the boobs of a 60-year-old when you’re 30. Just sayin’.

I was talking to a friend who’s in a long-distance relationship that’s beginning to fizzle out. She made clear that she was staying put in her new city, and the guy is dragging his feet on moving there even though he previously said he wanted to. I didn’t really know what to tell her. “All I know is that eventually you have to close the gap on long distance,” I said. “If you can’t, there you are.”

She laughed as if I said something stupid. “That’s deep, man. Really deep.”

“This stuff doesn’t have to be deep,” I replied. “A lot of it is common sense. And people make it so profound, but it’s not. You want to be with someone, go be with them.”

Indeed, a lot of dating advice is just common sense. Be friendly. Shower regularly. Flirt. If you’re unhappy, end your relationship. Call a phone number when you’re given one within three days. Think about how you’d treat someone you actually want to see again, and then just treat them that way. No games, no drama, no excuses.

You know what I’m saying is true, and you knew it before I even had to say it.

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I’m back, just in time to read an article from the New York Times magazine about a dating site specifically aimed at sugar daddies and young women who seeking to trade companionship for money. It’s a bit unnerving, these women basically prostituting themselves to pay the rent or tuition, and these men cheating on their wives with women who could be their daughters, but think about it this way: Both parties are in agreement over the nature of the relationship. The man forks over the cash, the woman keeps herself fit and well-dressed. No one expects this to turn into a fairy tale romance.

The only issue is when B. K., one of the sugar daddies, appears to fall in love with his sugar baby, Lola. She clearly still treats this as a business arrangement, and even has a serious boyfriend, and he thinks of her constantly and is sad when she says their arrangement will end when she gets engaged.

I suppose the message is this: So long as both parties agree with the nature of the relationship, whether it’s a cash-for-companionship deal, friends with benefits, or something long-term and exclusive, then that’s your deal and you’re entitled to it. Once it becomes uneven, problems start.

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Okay, I’m going on vacation soon, I swearz, and this isn’t remotely dating-related. But a friend of mine who blogs mentioned in one of her posts that she thinks one’s blog should be about 97% on topic, and 3% random. I’ve earned my 3%.

I was walking home from the train station when a jogging woman passed by me. My best guess is that the lady was in her 40s. How did I know? Besides looking at her face, she was jogging braless.

Oh yeah, bitches. The girls were loose and they were moving in two different directions. Separated, but not lifted.

My thoughts on braless jogging go thusly:
1. That shit has got to hurt.
2. You are going to cause a car accident when your independently-moving breasts distract cab drivers.
3. Years of this will cause your boobs to hang down to your knees.

They sell these really advanced sports bras now that squash your boobs down like two cup sizes, and for good reason. Put ’em away.

Back on vacation now. Just had to get that…off my chest. Hee.

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