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Archive for the ‘wat u doin 2nite?!!!’ Category

The New York Times ran an article in their real estate section about New York couples who, though they both live within the five boroughs, have a very long trip on the subway (sometimes multiple subways, with a leg on a bus as well) to see each other. It’s like a long distance relationship! In any large city where a decent proportion of the population lives without cars, you’re going to find yourself staying within the confines of a two-mile radius from your apartment. I know this because I have lived in two different large cities with good public transit, and I’ve never owned a car. Most of my good friends live within blocks of me. Unlike many people I know, I get out more because I do a reverse commute to the suburbs. Many of my friends refuse to date anyone outside of very specific geographic boundaries! And single friends who move waaay out into the suburbs have to defend their decisions to those who think they’re committing social suicide. Readers, what are your limits when it comes to how far you’ll travel to date someone?

So, what’s a person to do when it takes an hour to get home from your S.O.’s neighborhood? Today I came upon the perfect solution: the Walk of Shame Kit. (Or I guess you could just meet in the middle.) Either way, the Walk of Shame Kit would make a hilarious gift for your female friends who pick up guys in every bar. We all know someone like that.

Really, I just wanted to work the kit into a blog posting.

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I don’t really get into specifics about any of the guys I go out with in this blog, mostly out of respect to them (not that I tell them about this blog, but whatever). But this time, I am so in shock about something that just happened that I need to share it.

I went out this past week with a guy I recently met while I was on my way home from a work happy hour. The date went well enough — nice conversation, no awkward pauses, and he was super-polite. I didn’t know if we would go out again, but I could say for sure that this was a really nice person.

Oh, I was wrong. He sent a rather explicit booty email to me just now out of the blue. There was mention of handcuffs. I IMed him to verify that this wasn’t a joke. It wasn’t. I declined, stating that that’s not really how I roll with relative strangers, and he said he didn’t mean to offend me, he just got the idea when he met me that I’d be up for those sorts of things.

“That’s no good,” I said. “That outfit you saw me in was what I wore to work that day.”

My office has no dress code, and I like to be fashionable, but I was covered up. I looked cute and feminine, but definitely appropriate. Nothing about my style says, “I like to be handcuffed.” Anyway, he tried to backtrack a bit to save his ass, but I listened to the advice of a friend I had called in utter shock and just stopped responding. I also blocked him and deleted his number from my phone.

I have come to several realizations:
1. I am not as good a judge of character as I thought.
2. Apparently I send out some sort of “I’m a total freak” vibe.
3. Holy shit, that really just happened.

Good lessons can come out of this experience. First, this is now, hands down, the most hilarious and crazy dating story to have happened to me. I will be telling this story to laughing audiences for years. Second (I speak to the guys here, as they generally initiate these things), if you’re going to take a really big risk and booty call a girl you don’t know that well, be prepared to be definitively shot down. And if you are shot down, trying to smooth over what you said in order to get her to go out with you anyway will not work. You have blown it with this girl. Move along. Third (and this is for the ladies), there’s nothing wrong with accepting a booty call if you’re looking for something without strings attached. But if you’re looking to be treated as more than a booty call, stand up for yourself. I paraphrase Tucker Max when I say this: You get from guys what you demand from them. Don’t allow yourself to be the girl they just call for a good time and then whine about how no guy ever wants to be your boyfriend. Figure out what you want, and then act in a way that attracts that.

Anyway, I’m going to go have a good laugh and possibly take several showers. As you were.

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No long post today, as it’s my birthday and I’m lazy.  But here’s something to bring home the Dating and Technology series.

Don’t break up with your cat with a text message!

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It’s complicated.

Before, if you were in an on-again, off-again relationship, only you and your closest friends who saw you every day would know.  Now, I have to know, even though I hated you in high school and we haven’t spoken in years.

Ah, social networking sites.  Your relationship status, vacation photos, and favorite movie quotes are there for all to see.  If we were to compare various social networking sites to, say, types of bars, Linkedin would be a swanky hotel bar, Facebook would be the neighborhood watering hole, and MySpace would be the kind of place that has a mechanical bull and bales of vomit-soaked hay to cushion your fall.  And they’d let in kids with fake IDs.

These places are great for keeping up with the dramatic rises and falls of your friends’ dating lives, and they’re also great for finding out if that person you just met is single.  And if you know me, you know I love a good stalking.  You can also show off to the world that you aren’t unlovable, because if they click that link they can see the photo of a real, live person who does in fact love you (and is willing to declare it to hundreds of people!).  That, my friends, is devotion.

You can also find out when your exes get married and have kids, which is terrifying.

Anyway, two things before I go and watch The Hills because I tire of this subject.  First, does anyone expect to find a date off of these sites?  I know people who’ve been approached, but it usually doesn’t work out.  Also, is there, like, a massive sense of shame when one has to change their status from “in a relationship” to “single”?  Because I don’t really judge people, I just see it and think, “Oh, that’s too bad, they were cute together.”  I read an article that I can’t find the link to that quoted someone who said that when she and her boyfriend amicably broke up, he asked that she wait a few days to change their Facebook status because he didn’t want to deal with it right now.  Do people really care that much?

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Give those fingers a rest.

I’m actually talking about text messaging. Jeez.

Anyway, like grammar being important when e-mailing, conducting relationship business over the phone will also be obsolete in three years. Seriously, those high school kids maintain relationships entirely via text message. Does my saying that make me sound old?

Then again, I came of age when IMing was still a pretty novel concept, and it’s still my method of choice for keeping in touch with friends in other states. Remember when AOL was cool? Remember when you had to ask your parents for permission to go online because, in doing so, you tied up your family’s only phone line? Remember those heinous Geocities websites with the blinking magenta text?

But I digress. A few months ago I went out with a guy once who (other than when we were actually on the date) communicated solely via text message. At the time I didn’t have free texting as part of my cell phone plan, so I wasn’t too thrilled about this. The nominal cost of sending messages aside, I don’t like texting as a main method of communicating with anyone. Texting is great for finding someone at a party or sending a brief message when you can’t otherwise hold a conversation (like while sitting in your cubicle). If you come upon a funny sign, a picture message says a thousand words.

But asking someone out for the first time with a text message? It’s like hiding behind a fence. If someone gave you their phone number, they expect you to call. Really. Don’t do the bare minimum when it comes to trying to impress someone you like, because if they catch on to that, all you’ll get in return is “sry, not interested.”

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The art of asking someone out by e-mail

Either your personal yenta worked her magic and got you the e-mail address of, she swears, your soulmate, or you met someone and later procured their e-mail address through nefarious means. Though some people believe that asking someone out by e-mail is impersonal and cowardly, I disagree (breaking up with someone by e-mail, however, is a different story). Having seen my guy friends agonize over every word they type, I know that way too much thought goes into this.

The beauty of the e-mail date invitation is that you can get out what you wanted to say articulately, without sounding awkward or babbling over the phone. The key, of course, is to actually sound articulate. I’m in favor of keeping it simple. Like Coco Chanel said, when accessorizing, remove the last item you put on. So too with e-mails, edit what you write so every word is relevant.
1. Perhaps when today’s middle schoolers are adults, e-mails will read like this:
“yo,
wats up?? u busy 2nite? i got sum natty ice i need 2 finish. wanna help?? lol!!!111”
I weep for the future. Anyway, at least until 2018, spelling and grammar are important. If you aren’t strong in these areas, enlist a friend who majored in English to assist you.
2. Identify how this person would know [of] you. Mutual friends put you in touch? Met at a concert? Say it.  Maybe mention something specific you talked about.
3. It’s okay to inject humor, but know that some jokes, while funny when said aloud, don’t translate too well to the written word. It’s probably better to avoid jokes altogether rather than be cheesy. If you don’t want to come across as too formal, just keep your tone light. You’re not writing a cover letter.
4. Get to the point.  Like I said, this isn’t a cover letter.  You don’t need to give your life story, just say how you met, segue into mentioning some activity, then ask them out.

An example:
“Hey Joanna,
We met last weekend at Brian’s barbecue.  I remember you said you have two golden retrievers who chew your furniture when they get bored.  They’re opening that new dog park on Sunday.  I was wondering if you and your dogs would like to accompany me and mine?  Maybe a few hours running around will wear them out enough so that your couch is spared!
–Steve”

So that was the best date idea I could pull out of the air, but you get what I mean.  You get brownie points for remembering specific parts of the conversation, you already have a specific activity in mind, and watching dogs run around is totally a fun way to spend an afternoon.  Aww.

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So, uh, you will call me, right?

The cell phone. How did we live without it for so long? How did we get help when our cars broke down? How could we fake emergency phone calls to escape from bad dates? Clearly, life began with the Zach Morris phone.

People expect us to be reachable at all times. This adds a new dimension to dating. No longer do we have an excuse to be out of touch for days. Neglecting to return a phone call is a major faux pas. Unless you’re out of the country or you recently dropped your phone into a toilet, you’re expected to pay attention to those missed calls. List of the day: the pros and cons of that stylish Crackberry.

The pros are obvious:
1. No need to wait for the Pony Express to deliver your tear-stained love letters. You can whisper sweet nothings into her ear.  From a distance.  No roaming!
2. Making plans to go out is so easy! Running late? Get lost on the way to an unfamiliar restaurant? Just call!
3. Free nights and weekends? Genius.
4. People can be reached anywhere. If they don’t return your call within a few days, you know where you stand with them. Give up!
5. Think your significant other is cheating? Steal their phone and check the list of recent calls.

The cons merit further consideration:
1. You’re going to get caught cheating if your significant other sees your list of recent calls.

Seriously, though.
2. Some people freak out if you aren’t available all the time. Sadly, they don’t realize that sometimes you need a break from marathon conversations consisting of deep questions like “So, watcha doin’?” Sometimes you’re taking a shower. Sometimes you’re getting chewed out by your boss. You can’t have sappy conversations all the time.
3. Somehow, calling to say you’re running late became an acceptable alternative to, you know, showing up to places on time. Respect your date. Don’t run late. (Ha! I’m such a tool.)
4. Ignoring your date in favor of a cell phone conversation? Not okay.

Basically, there’s a new standard of etiquette to follow. Like I said before, promptly return the call of someone you recently met if you’re interested in them. Be discreet when having a cell phone conversation in public, and don’t answer your phone repeatedly during a date unless your sister is in labor. Be reasonable about how often to call your significant other. Just because their phone is on all the time doesn’t mean they can answer it. More and more we’re blending all of the different areas of our life (work, home, relationships), but it’s more than okay to create some separation.

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