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…because I will laugh so hard when you go back to being single. And it will feel good. Bwahahaha!

A girl I went to school with years ago friended me awhile back. For about four months, she had all of these status updates about how her life was now complete (Really! Complete!) because she’d met her boyfriend. He constantly wrote on her wall to say dumb shit like, “I love you, baby, you’re so great” (Gag! Isn’t that what e-mail is for?). There were photos posted constantly of the two of them out to dinner with her family. Friends wrote on her wall to express joy about what a great relationship she was in.

And then? Back to single. All photos of the guy erased. All his wall messages deleted. Listen, I’m cool with people listing themselves as in a relationship or engaged or married (all the better to stalk you with with, my dear). Part of the joy of Facebook is finding out what your old friends are up to. But for the love of all that is holy, I hate when people spew all of that sappy “I am so in LOVE and my boyfriend/girlfriend is the BEST EVER and I never knew TRUE JOY until I met them and now my life has REALLY BEGUN!” bullshit all over their Facebook pages. I’m talking about people in their mid- to late-20s, not 14-year-olds. Pathetic.

Does this post make me sound bitter? I’m not. I just don’t like when people think the only thing they have going for them is the fact that they’re dating someone. Come on, you’re so much more interesting than that! They are so many private ways in which you can communicate your slobbery love (give them a phone call!). Why does the whole world need to see it? I get the whole shout-it-from-the-rooftops thing, but…yeah. Am I alone in this? Thoughts?

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L shared with me a valid pet peeve: Sometimes, people in relationships, when attempting to set up single friends, seem to think that all pairs of single people will hit it off. That’s sort of like the assumption that all gays like each other. Not true!

When setting friends up, keep in mind the personalities of your friends. Think about whether or not they’d make a good pair. Then introduce them! Just throwing two single people together can be a recipe for awkwardness. Now, if you’re throwing a party and you’ve invited a bunch of single people and phone numbers get exchanged, awesome! But for actual set-ups (going on a double date with them, or getting them to go on a blind date), think it through.

“solid shirt white cuffs douchebag”

They must’ve been looking for this:

boss-from-office-space

Check it out.

Not surprisingly, good grammar and spelling will take you far. Few people would want to go out with someone who types “wats up.” This isn’t middle school.

No matter how necessary it might be, no one likes to break up with another person. Even if you just about hate them now, you feel a sense of obligation. At some point, you liked this person, maybe even loved them, so hurting them isn’t going to be easy. I’ve had a few conversations with friends who’ve recently been through breakups and are in varying stages of getting over it, and I’ve realized that breaking up with someone doesn’t just take courage. It takes a tremendous amount of self-confidence.

Here’s why:

1. It takes confidence to be selfish. Dumping someone is a selfish act. Haven’t you ever been on the receiving end of the “How could you be so selfish?!” line? Yeah, thought so. But being selfish is a necessary part of life. It’s self-preservation. It allows you to take care of yourself so you can better take care of others. Often one gets roped into remaining friends with an ex out of guilt, but a confident person realizes that this would not be a true friendship, so out of self-preservation (no offense to the other person), they cut ties completely in order to properly get over the relationship and move on. Being selfish can be damn smart.

2. It takes confidence to think you can do better. When you realize what a catch you are, and how you deserve a great relationship, and how the person you’re with is not the last datable person on Earth, you gain the ability to let go of a relationship that’s no longer serving your needs.

3. It takes confidence to think you’re better off single and alone than paired up in a cruddy relationship. Really, people put up with a lot of crap so they won’t be lonely. A confident person is okay with going through a period of being single and will enjoy that stage of life (or whatever stage they happen to be in). A person lacking confidence will assume a relationship will help fill some void. It won’t. You will always have that void and even with a relationship, you’ll go on trying to find other things to fill it.

So, there you have it. If you’re contemplating breaking up with your S.O., or you’ve just been through a breakup and the ex is playing the we-can-be-friends-so-I-can-secretly-try-to-get-you-back card, put yourself first. Get this person out of your life. It’s hard to do, but it gets easier as you begin to realize how much you’re really worth.

Eau de desperation

Hello, my lovelies. I took some time off from blogging during Rosh Hashanah (shana tovah to my Jewish readers!) but now I’m back! And I return inspired by a conversation I had with a guy I know — let’s call him B — and also inspired by something I’ve been going through.

We’ve all been on either, or both, sides of this story. Two people meet and go out a few times. One would like to take it slow, possibly see other people, and the other thinks, “they’ll do!” and latch on like a parasite until the other person commits. Well, maybe they don’t literally latch on, but the reek of desperation is evident. B told me about how he tends to like to take his sweet time getting to know a girl before he commits, and if the girl seems to be in a rush so as not to “waste her time” with him, he backs away. If he told me this even three months ago, I would have scoffed. Love is a battlefield, why wait too long and risk watching a girl you like date someone else who beat you to asking her out? You have to lock it in! But I’m beginning to think B’s onto something.

I’ve gone out a few times with a guy who seems to be way more into me than I am into him. I suspect I fit into his mental list of things he looks for in a girl, and he thought, “she’ll do!” and has been perusing me valiantly ever since. This should be exactly what I want, right? A nice guy is showing interest! I know where I stand with him! And yet, I found myself shutting down. I sensed desperation, and a false sense of closeness on his part. Not one to take the passive-aggressive route, I called him and told him plainly what I had been thinking, and to my surprise, he took it really well. So, he’s getting another chance!

Based on these conversations and my recent experience, the best advice I can give is this: Take your time. If you’re desperate, it will show. There’s always another potential date out there, so don’t think this is your last chance. You’ll blow it if you come on too strong.

Lesson #2: Taking criticism well will work in your favor.

Apparently it’s fashion week here at CHO.

At a brunch, my brother met a guy who was dressed from head to toe in biker gear, and I’m not talking of the Harley variety. He was clad in a jersey and padded shorts, and kept his yellow-tinted, non-prescription protective glasses on throughout the meal. I imagine he removed his helmet, but no word on whether or not he limped around on those shoes made for clips.

Listen, I get that all that stuff serves a purpose. I own a bike, I’ve ridden long distances on it. I’ve felt pain in NSFW locations that was alleviated by padded shorts. But there is a time and a place. Riding in a metric century? Fine, look like Lance Armstrong. But if you’re just heading out to brunch, you will look like a douchebag. There were single women at this. You can bike in jeans.

I see this a lot on What Not To Wear: People who have a serious hobby or a job that involves special clothes start dressing for that activity or job all the time. They work in construction and dress casually, for example, or yoga instructors who only wear tank tops and yoga pants, even when out in bars. You need to dress for the place you’re at. Then go home and change before the bike ride.

Or if that’s not an option, take off the damn yellow-tinted glasses.